We have all been in that relationship where we thought we were being supportive, only to find out we had been enabling destructive behaviour – codependent relationships are something that happen to all of us at one time or the other. In the early days of a new relationship, or perhaps in the flush of love, we are wont to ignore negative traits in our significant others. And as the relationship grows, codependency happens.
Wikipedia defines codependency as: “Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.“
Not all codependent relationships have to be of a romantic nature, though. This could well happen between a parent and a child, where the child enables passive aggressive abuse out of a sense of fear or respect. Or it could be between two peers, where the more assertive of the two can slip into aggressive behaviour and try and control the other person to bend to their will. Or if in a romantic codependent relationship, you could be in love with a narcissist and not even know it. Codependent relationships have one trait in common: one half will always assert themselves, but continue to need validation of their behaviour.
Codependent Relationships: The Signs
Are there any tell-tale signs that announce when you are in a codependent relationship? Yes, here are some of the questions you can ask yourself to recognize a toxic codependency with someone. These eight signs are classic codependent behaviour.
- Does the person always want to spend time with you? Do you feel like the other person is “clingy”, always wanting to insert themselves into any social situation which they would not have been a part of? Do they guilt you into inviting them to your engagements? And when not invited, do they pout and make you feel small for not inviting them in the first place? Sign one.
- Do they seek your opinion on anything and everything, even on matters that don’t concern you at all? And when you share your opinion, do they belittle your sentiment and make you feel like you shouldn’t have spoken up at all? Sign two.
- Do they tend to veer towards extremes in their interpersonal relationships? Are they intensely involved or too aloof, choosing only to engage when they have a need? Sign three.
- Do they constantly need “uppers” in the form of something new to do? Are they restless and frequently complain of boredom? Sign four.
- Are they compulsively unable to be by themselves? Do they always seek company for even solo pursuits? Are they constantly attempting to get together for some reason? Sign five.
- Do they doubt you, and make you feel like your life is under some magnifying lens? Constantly asking for assurances that you haven’t abandoned your relationship with them? And projecting their insecurities onto your relationship in a way that makes you feel imprisoned? Sign six.
- Are they control freaks and perfectionists, given to extremes in behaviour, with a constant need for approval and validation? Sign seven.
- Do you feel like you have aligned with an older person’s expectations of you instead of asserting your individuality, out of a sense of obligation? This is especially true in dysfunctional family situations.
All these are traits that you enable without actually realizing that you are enabling. What might seem like goodhearted support to you might actually be detrimental to your relationship in the long term, as these can quickly develop into habits. Use this helpful tool for an honest self-evaluation.
Codependency: What You Can Do
First, ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. If you recognize any of these signs, admit them to yourself first. That is the hardest part of the battle. Once you have addressed that honestly, it is half the battle won.
Then, seek the help of a professional therapist. Whether it is couples therapy you need or family therapy, approach the other person/s congenially, and request them to give therapy a try. Most will listen to reason, and if the relationship truly matters, then they will make an effort to tackle it as a team rather than as someone on the other side of the court.
Thirdly, if the pattern continues, do not make excuses for the other person, or continue to rationalize their behaviour. Enabling victim mentality is harmful for both you and the other person. Learn to know when to engage, and when not to. If in an emotionally charged situation, excuse yourself for the time being.
Fourth, and most importantly, know it might take a few attempts at correcting behaviour before you actually see results. Don’t blame yourself if old patterns emerge. As long you can recognize the signs and act with maturity, know you are doing the best you can.
We hope this has been helpful. It can sometimes feel like you are constantly under a cloud because of a codependent relationship. Remember, it takes one to enable this kind of behaviour. If you are that person, learn to see the signs, and walk away if need be.
